Inside The Mind Of A Vegan Alchemist. Carnivore Approved.

Confessions of a Smear-phobic


Big glasses and a bigger than oversized hat. You would Think after years of doing this you’d be a pro…. Nope, still an embarrassed little girl clutching that precious item between her legs. You walk into a big shiny, scary white room and hand the receptionist your card. She looks you up and down accusingly and asks you why you are here. You mumble a quick something using your right hand to deflect the sound of your voice from tickling the ears of anyone around.

You collect your things and take a seat, staring at the pile of magazines in front of you. Nothing of interest, just Parenting, housekeeping and a few old newspapers. You see your hand reaching out for something to flip through then quickly stop yourself . Disgusting , I can’t believe I almost picked that up. You watch each self-conscious individual get called down the long, white corridor. Breath in, breath out, long, deep breaths, in, pause, out.

You jump at the sound of your own name. Startled, you pick up your bags and oversized hat and follow the small Asian woman down what seems like a never ending hallway. Last door on the left she says without looking, as she stretches her long index finger in your general direction.

You walk in, breath… You look at the white, plain walls and a cold chill quivers down your back. You spot tools, scary tools of all shapes and sizes. Ugh, you make a face. One you have done many times in the past, and turn towards the long, black, leather-like bed. No, not bed. Beds offer comfort and provide rest, this piece of furniture does not. This is a bed of humiliation and shame. You walk toward it and eye the garment laid out on the right side. Here we go, you think to yourself. Slowly and quietly you begin to take off your clothes. One item at a time, thinking about each piece. To stall the events that are about to take place, you slowly and precisely fold each article of clothing. When you finish you find yourself quite happy with your efforts. Oma’s finishing school teacher would be proud, real lady is standing in this room.

Knock knock, your day dream is interrupted. Any pleasant thought you had going through your head has quickly vanished. Poof gone. “C-c- co- *cough* come in!” You squeak. The reveal is always the most tasking part of the day… Will the universe grant you the gift of a gentle, soft spoken professional, or the short, overweight, creepy guy that stares at you before he goes about his business… The door opens slowly… You find yourself cringing like a toddler watching a horror flick. You open your eyes and sigh in relief.

“Good afternoon miss. Will you please hop onto the bed”. You do as your told. “It’s been a while, are you comfortable? You nod. “Lay down please, could you please move your bum down a bit? Yes closer to me, there now I can see you. ” Your sigh of relief disappears and waves of anxiety start rippling down your entire body. The back of your knees are sweaty. Is it over yet?

“Please open your legs, nice and wide, wider, wiiider miss”. Even though you have done this many times, you still find yourself hesitating. Eventually you just succumb to their compand and separate your legs as wide as possible, and lean back. Try to relax you tell yourself, breathe in, and out.

“This might feel a lot fuller than you’re used to…” oh god damnit… We’ve got a big one. You groan quietly to yourself, just your luck. Before you are able to argue you feel it inside you. It feels full, very full. Your toes curl and your hands find themselves in fists. Just breathe. You see a hand grab for one of the strange objects next to the bed.. Oh what the hell… Too late , “almost done!” you hear, just as you thought the misery would never end.

You feel two fingers inside you, What are you searching for? You wonder. All done! Oh thank god. You pull the sheet up over your legs to cover your exposed girly bits. You sit down next to the bed and pull on your panties and zip up your skirt. You don’t turn around, but you can hear papers shuffling.

“Looks good! Take some condoms on your way out. See you again in a year!”

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