Inside The Mind Of A Vegan Alchemist. Carnivore Approved.

Stupid Things People In Relationships Do … that you will do too


You forget your friends

It’s not nice to play favorites and the same rule goes for friends. Sure you now have this lovely, wonderful, awesome, being in your life that you are allowed to hump, but don’t forget your non-hump-able friends. You had a life before you met this person and should continue to have one now that you are dating. Check in with your friends, hang out with them (no texting does not count as a hangout), and get into trouble like you used to. That penis will still be waiting to be inside you when you get home.

You eat like Shrek

Now that you are in a relationship, you find yourself eating all the fucking time. Like even when you are not hungry you are eating. Why the hell does this happen? More date nights? No, not necessarily. Comfort? Maybe, but really that more applies to your unshaven legs… we will get to that later. For some reason we as people just LOVE to feed the ones we love. It’s weird, but whatever. Wanna split nachos?

You get lazy

I don’t need to impress anyone; I don’t have to shave my legs or shower… Yes, Yes you fucking do! Look at your damn self, have some pride. You can’t walk around like some cavewoman just because you have someone that loves you. Especially if you are insisting that you can eat whatever you please. No one wants to date, or be friends with a Sasquatch Ogre.

You become stupid

Love can cause otherwise smart people to become completely oblivious to any flaws and act like a social R-tard. I myself have caught myself reduced to a 60 IQ and robbed of my personality…

You tolerate vanilla sex

We all get lazy, and tired. But I shouldn’t be a routine. Keep things exciting in the bedroom and explore your lover’s body, every single inch. Meeeee Owwwww.

You tell everyone about your “other- half”

Your friends do genuinely give a shit about your relationship, but they do not give a shit about every small intimate coma-inducing detail of it. Keep his cute faces and wacky love of Saturday morning cartoons to yourself.

You give up dreams and goals

Don’t fucking do this shit. A relationship does not make you one person. You do not become one… even in marriage you should not become one. Sure one house, one bathroom, one bed, but not one personality or one dream. Support their dream, but continue to pursue your own as well! If you want to be a flying ninja in a cat suit at night they should be supportive of your nun-chuck lessons and sporadic meowing… It’s just who you are.

You become a jealous freak

The insecurity will shock you and you will do weird, horribly wacky and insane things. You will probably claim to have blacked out because you’ll have had no idea you had the capacity to become such a monster.


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