Inside The Mind Of A Vegan Alchemist. Carnivore Approved.

URine Trouble Now…


There comes a point in every single girl’s life when she finds herself having to use the loo in a man’s apartment. Leading up to this horrifying act was a series of drinks or dinners (or maybe not, Trampy McTramperson) where you could politely and discreetly excuse, and relieve yourself in peace. Free of worry, judgement or running water. But now you find yourself standing in the cold, empty bathroom trying to figure out just how well he can hear you doing the devils business.

At this point you are desperate. You have been holding your full bladder for at least 2 hours, having that inner battle with yourself, “You’re fine, you do not need to pee, just hold it and it will go away…” Well I have news for you it won’t go away, and holding it can result in chaos if the situation is not carefully assessed. You never know when you’re about to laugh uncontrollably or may find yourself in a tickle war, or worse you slip and fall… trust me. So here you are.

You look down at the turned up toilet seat. You wince and reach out to set it down. You stare, but then decide to check out your surroundings, a blue shower curtain, little to no product, small bits of freshly shaven hair scattered around the sink. You can tell he tried to clean it, but some spots were missed. You look back at the bathroom door; it feels paper thin at this point. You find yourself tip toeing around the bathroom look for anything to muffle the sound a bit.

Like some teen smoking pot in their dorm room, you shove a towel in the crack at the bottom of the door. Hmm that sound help, you look proudly towards the proof of your problem solving skills. That should do it! You head back to the toilet, and start unrolling the toilet paper, and piling it in the toilet bowl, creating a small barrier between your urine and the water. There! Now he won’t hear that embarrassing tinkle… You sit down and after 5 yoga breaths you start to pee, slowly, barely… and just as you are about to let go, you remember the sink. Running water!! You stop immediately and turn on the water full force. Awkwardly you hop back to the toilet, panties around your ankles, and pee in peace—kind of.

You push and push realizing that you’ve been in this bathroom for a bit longer than you anticipated. A quick flush, wash of the hands. and touch up of make up, you proudly, but gracefully prance back into his gaze, an extra hop in your step. You did it…

He smiles, and you smile back. But what you may not realize is that he is laughing inside. While you were away for 20 minutes trying to figure how to muffle the sound of your pee, he firmly believes the only reason anyone would take so long in a bathroom is because you needed to take a great… big…dump.

I tweet from the bathroom all the time! Follow me !

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