Inside The Mind Of A Vegan Alchemist. Carnivore Approved.


The Stalker

The stalker typically fails to understand that while working through basic emotions commonly associated with a break-up is necessary, doing so six months after the break-up by showing up unannounced and waiting outside an apartment, sending novel size text messages and/or hysterical phones calls is not the right way to go about it. This ex is perhaps the most technologically savvy of the different types of exes you will encounter; causing disrupted sleep schedules, making you take different routes home from work and littering your Facebook page with overly emotional messages and status updates . This ex will tweet you, tag you, invite you, share with you, comment on you, mention you, friend you and a whole host of other annoying things that add a little extra drama to our online footprint.Basically, the stalker throws a fits one minute and loves you the next. They are emotionally unstable and will end up hating your guts and owing you $2000.

The Holy Grail ,one you’ll never get over

CAUTION: You may slip into stalker territory if you don’t check yourself…

This is the heartbreaker of the year, the one that got away, the one that made you fantasize about marriage, and travelling and babies and sex in the forest. The one that had everything right — they made you laugh, the sex was incredible, you fit together like two puzzle pieces. You’re convinced that the one you’ll never get over was perfect. You seriously believe that you two were perfect together (untrue) and you find yourself making up excuses like “You were at different places in your life”, You were in love with who they could be not who they were…”, “The universe conspired against you”. The one you’ll never get over has likely moved on, and wishes you’d move on, too. They are always nice to you, you convince yourself that you are both close friends, but really you are just holding on to a memory of what was… You are in a bad baaaad place here.

The one you need to stop having sex with

This is the one who pops into your head when you think that a nice hot cup of fuck might put a band-aid over your current problems. But that, my friend, is a temporary solution at best.

Situation No. 1:You are in Control- You need to stop having sex with this person because you need to learn how to be alone, and the responsibility you have not to hurt another person like that. They still love, or want to be with you… This is not nice.

Situation No. 2: They are in Control- They broke up with you. They’re actively dating, and when they feel lonely, you’re there for them, wishing they’d just commit to you again.

The enemy

No one wants the two of you in the same room, unless you invited Hitler over for a good blitzkrieg. You broke up because one or both of you did some really fucked up shit. You lied, you cheated, you compulsively masturbated, you ignored, you stayed out all night, you fought, and you threw a chair at the wall, or them. Now the enemy is avoided at all cost, because shit will go down if you two are around each other. Having an enemy for an ex is a toxic situation that can quickly get ugly if not handled with a swift delete from your phone, your Facebook and your life.

The friend

Basically, the friend is Elaine and you’re Jerry. You broke up not because you didn’t love them, but because of mutual incompatibilities. The friend is fun to be around and understands you better than most people. They somehow matured from mate to your brother from another mother. They’ve known you forever and you probably won’t ever try the romantic thing again, but they’re one of the most significant relationships you’ve ever had.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s