Inside The Mind Of A Vegan Alchemist. Carnivore Approved.

7 Steps To Having A Great Threesome

1. Get good music.

No Nickelback will be played up in this bedroom. The best way to make sure you are ready for three-way action is to have an appropriate score for your multi-sexing, and if the only thing you have is the Requiem for a Dreamsoundtrack, just cease and desist now; you are not prepared for this. Instead, you will go down to the record store or iTunes and buy yourself some Maxwell, D’Angelo, Junior Boys, Hot Chip, Justin Timberlake, Prince or Marvin Gaye.

You should stay far away from Bon Iver, Lana Del Rey, the Police, Leonard Cohen or any Fiona Apple song that is not “Criminal.” If you want a no-brainer, just select “3” by Britney Spears. The choice isn’t original, but it’s also not a sensitive indie ballad composed in a Wisconsin cabin that sounds soulful and erotic but will also make you spontaneously sob.  This is a threesome, not sex with Mel Gibson; it should not end in tears.

2. Set the mood.

Mirrors on the ceilings are not necessary and kind of creepy, but I find a dimmer very helpful. Not only will it serve to soften the room, but it will also make you slightly less self-conscious about being naked in front of more than one person. I’m always personally nervous about my awkward back hair pattern passing muster with one person, and the idea of two sets of eyes on that in direct overhead light is terrifying.

Also, a dimmed room can be nicely paired with some candles from Yankee Candles or Bath and Body Works or a Glade Plug-In — but like, a sexy Glade Plug-In. Make sure the odor either smells of the Fruits of the Forest, Laundry on a Clothes Line or Dirty, Dirty Skank. Pull your mattress onto the floor to give all of you some space to move around or just throw down every blanket in a ten-mile radius.  Too many good threesomes have been ruined by someone falling out of bed or catching an elbow in the eye because there’s only so much space to move around in a queen.

Lastly, appropriate wine is vastly important, as is selecting one not followed by the word “cooler” or preceded by the word “box.” To paraphrase Jenna Maroney, you are not 12 and at your boyfriend’s frat party.  Drink like it.

3. Get on the same page.

The key to any great sex is communication, both before and during sex. With people who are new to the threesome format, you may want to set up boundaries and expectations and make sure that all parties are comfortable with the sex that is about to happen. This is especially important when having sex with friends or couples, because things can get mighty weird after the sex is over and your life can turn into a Roman Polanski movie or a Bret Easton Ellis novel.

And during sex, many people like very many different things. Some people like cuddling and lots of foreplay and some like being spanked and getting peed on — desires that are not necessarily mutually exclusive. You should have a general idea about what everyone is into before you start doing it with them, because a) knowing how to please other people makes the sex better and b) no one wants to end up accidentally David Carradined, because if there is an afterlife, that would be really embarrassing to explain to Mother Teresa. And during the sex, it’s often good to check-in with people about the sexy things you are doing to them. There’s nothing worse than taking great care to pleasure two sets of nipples only to much later find out that sexy thing you’ve been doing turns absolutely no one on.

4. Go with the flow.

Communication is great. People love talking, or therapy would not exist. But sometimes, you also just have to STFU and let the other bodies in the room do the communicating. It’s sex, not a moon landing. So, instead of discussing it to death, just pay attention to how the folks around you respond to your sexing and to the non-verbal cues that create real intimacy. Have you had your tongue in someone’s posterior for fifteen minutes and no one seems to care about it? Try something else. The Sex Bible of the Kama Sutra tells us that your threesome options are truly infinite. Reverse that Cowgirl, enjoy a Lap-Dancing Cowgirl or just get off that horse altogether.

5. Take turns or take a break.

Great threesome sex is a lot like juggling, in that you don’t have to hold all the balls at the same time. If you are tired of serving one partner or want to switch things up, you literally have the ability to switch things up. There’s another person in the room whose needs you can start attending to, or if you are advanced, you can attend to both at the exact same time.  But in this scenario, be careful or unintentional bumping or collisions. As discussed before, watch those elbows and stay abreast on positions. The blooper reel of threesomes can be funny later, but in the moment, accidentally stepping on someone’s genitals really, really isn’t.

Also, if you are getting tired — because threesomes can be downright exhausting and should be conducted with proper air conditioning — just take a breather and cool down. The great thing about tapping out for a couple minutes to grab some water, freshen up or use the restroom is that you always have instant entertainment during your intermission. Make sure to enjoy the show.

6. Check your hygiene.

Ideally, this should be done before the threesome begins, but I understand. When you’re in the heat of the moment, Listerine and body wash is not always the first thing on your mind. Sometimes, a little bit of sweat can be great for making whoopee, but there’s a difference between natural musk and getting down with Pigpen from the Peanuts comics. Just as you wouldn’t want to kiss someone who had recently eaten a Toxic Waste Sandwich with a Side of Hummus, extend the same courtesy to your partners and brush your damn teeth. If you are unsure of your odor quality, either ask your partners or just go clean thyself anyway. No one ever got mad at someone for taking the time to smell good, unless that smell is of Axe Body Spray.

7. Have fun!

This is, by far, the most important rule. You can sanitize to Monk-ish levels or throw on all the Frank Ocean you want, but you should be most worried about having sexy, consensual, affirming fun with people you won’t completely regret doing it with later. The best thing you can do is to check-in with yourself, make sure that you feel good and that this is what you want. Wrap up your sexy parts, not your feelings. But after that, just make like you’re in Rocky Horror and give yourself over to absolute pleasure. There’s no crime in that.

By NICO LANG 

5 responses

  1. BlondiesBabble

    Haha! This is too much. If/When this ever happens in my life, I’ll be sure to come back and reference this post!!

    June 20, 2012 at 10:21 pm

  2. Stuart Hutchings

    ?????? 7 steps to a Great Threesome, Guess you forgot your Dad reads this daily!!

    June 21, 2012 at 6:07 am

    • HAHA I didn’t write this!

      June 21, 2012 at 9:58 pm

  3. Dr. Scott

    Bahahaha BUSTEEEEED!! El em eff ay oh

    June 22, 2012 at 4:37 pm

  4. Great advice

    June 26, 2012 at 11:49 pm

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