No Strings Attached : Casual Sex Defined
A casual relationship is the Holy Grail to many people. This is the golden emotional point in one’s life, when they have successfully separated love and sex. Many have tried to reach this so called “optimum” area of existence but have found themselves in a sticky and often less then optimum experience. These are usually individuals confused about the meaning of the term and/or are not built for this type of relationship.
So what is a casual relationship? We have all seen Dean Winters’ appearance in Sex And The City, but if you’re completely clueless… There are several different types; the booty call, the casual dating/hooking up that ends up as a friendship, the hooking up with the ex, the one that never was, the fuck buddy and the friends with benefits. Personally, I am all in favor of the friends with benefits arrangements, because it’s safe (STD wise) to have a partner (or partners) that you can trust and that you know are good in bed. It eliminates the lonely spinster mentality and allows single women to express themselves sexually without the feeling of a negative social stigma. As we progress as a society we have been able to notice the differences between a slutty lifestyle, a promiscuous one, and self expression. Sex is natural, we all need it and we all want it, so why let the lack of a spouse dictate your lack of, well… Dick. You want good sex, so nurture a sexual relationship instead of an emotional one.
It’s all about being in the right frame of mind and knowing ones limitations and boundaries. Not everyone is capable of having these types of relationships. Some of us are just monogamous by nature. But if you believe you can maintain a casual relationship free of emotions, and plentiful of orgasms it is important to lay some ground rules for yourself.
1. I will not enter a friend with benefits arrangement because that’s all he has to offer at that time and what I really want is to date him eventually. Chances are he won’t want to date you eventually. By promising yourself something like this, you are lying to yourself.
2. I will end things as soon as there’s emotional attachment evolving; whether it is me or him. If one begins to develop feelings it is morally unclean and cruel to continue. Failing to do so will end any friendship you have previously– so be careful.
3. Absolutely no relationship-style pet names. You’re not his darling, so unless he’s using this term to describe how great you are in bed, it is not allowed. This leads to false hopes and broken hearts.
Each person is different; therefore, each style of casual relationship will be different. Recognizing what type of relationship you are in (or want to be in) will help to create mental and emotional stability and clarity.
The Booty Call is the most casual of the no strings attached relationships. There is an understanding that each person is in the relationship just for sex. Dating other people is accepted and each other’s dating life is kept private. To keep the relationship on a sex-only level, getting to know one another on an emotional level is avoided, and mannerisms are kept respectful and polite. Text messaging is the preferred mode of communication. Texting offers both parties a concise, no bullshit way of asking for sex without chitchat. These messages are often initiated on the weekend, around a bar’s last call, and are a quick exchange of necessary details like: Can you meet up later? When? My place or yours? The time you spend together is predominantly engaging in, or preparing to engage in sex. There is no dating or hanging out. You are never seen together in public and spending the night is not necessary, and in most cases discouraged.
The Fuck Buddy is someone you often bump into at parties, bars and clubs. Your group of friends hangout in the same social scenes and you’re all somewhat acquainted. You hang out with each other in public but only after the casual run-in. Plans to hang out are seldom, and if they are made, it is always spur of the moment. The Fuck Buddy will meet you at a bar or party then go home with you, whereas the booty call will usually just meet you at your place. You only communicate with each other if you’re out or know you’re going to go out. Calls or texts are usually focused around the social scene and whether paths will cross during the night.
Your fuck buddy is your social play friend. The relationship is built on fun, the scene and sex. You are both actively dating other people and know that this relationship will end if one of you starts to seriously romantically date another person. However, if that partner returns to single status, the fuck buddy relationship can be re-established.
The One That Never Was is the least complicated of the bunch. Most of us have flown the coop and came to reside in cities different from the ones we grew up, or studied in. During those years you have made numerous relationships and cultivated many friendships. But when you think back, there is always that one guy or girl that “never was”. This is the person with whom your heart will always have a soft spot, there was always some sort of magnetic connection, but someone was always dating someone else or neither of you had the balls to act on this bizarre mutual feeling. This person lives in the city of your past and is usually one of the first people you text when you are coming to visit. The text messages are kind and thoughtful, as you are both genuinely interested in what the other person has been up to. You’ve never talked about it, but you both know that you have the ability to hang out and hook up in secret with no strings attached during the short period of time you are in the same city. It’s like reliving your youth, the glory days, like stepping back in time.
Friend with Benefits is my relationship of choice. These are two friends that have decided to upgrade their already existing platonic relationship. First and foremost this is a friendship; you care about the other; however, you are not interested in romantically dating each other. You are able to have sex with each other without it being awkward because there is a good foundation for your relationship and you communicate really well with each other. You can call your FWB just to talk and hangout, even if the is no promise of sex. The only difference between your other friendships and this one is sex. The best part about this relationship is that this person is like a pseudo- boy/girlfriend. You have the ability to go out on date-like activities, which is useful for formal parties and weddings. No real boyfriend needed. This relationship usually goes back to a normal non-sex friendship after one of you finds yourself ready to commit to someone else.
I find that having these arrangements gives single individuals the freedom to relax without having to worry about having their sexual appetite fulfilled. For many high performing professionals with no time to nurture a relationship this is a perfect alternative. When you remove the emotional investment any heartbreak due to work, travel or life in general is avoided. It gives you the opportunity to get to know your sex partner, their body and what turns them on, ensuring flawless and amazing sex. All while having time to focus on your career and dreams. The main thing is to remain honest. Be honest with them and be honest with yourself, this will help to avoid any complicated situations.