Inside The Mind Of A Vegan Alchemist. Carnivore Approved.

Why You’re Bad In Bed

You’ve gotten her to your bed, now what could go wrong? Well, a lot of things actually…

As a society I would say we are pretty lazy. You’re probably looking at me saying, “…easy Edgy Veg, I’m not lazy!” you’re probably right, and neither am I, which is why I find myself horribly frustrated in a specific area of my life.

As a student of the sexual arts, (see what I did there?). I have noticed a trend in my recent journey and have come to the following conclusion, men are bad in bed; specifically, North American men. I realize I am going to wake up tomorrow to a front lawn covered in toilet paper and more hate mail then I have time to read, but common ladies, we’re all thinking it!

There has been a shift in the way woman are viewing their sexuality and relationships. Sure we want love, but unlike our mothers and the many women before us, we don’t feel any pressure to look for it. We aren’t on a hunt, it isn’t a priority. We are happy with our jobs and the empowering state of single hood is more predominant than ever. If a dude of potential mate-status comes along, great; if not, that’s ok. Sure, we’re down with love, but what we really want GOOD, no, GREAT, no, mind-blowing sex.

Here’s the problem; the amount of men one has to sleep with before she finds one that has the ability to satisfy her every need is not a sanitary, or even a healthy number. The problems are too vast and I blame three things, the media, laziness and porn.

Let’s start with porn. Porn is a great way to learn new techniques and discover something new and exciting that you may not have known you were into. Great! Porn as a tool, it’s helpful and free… awesome. Unfortunately this is only the female approach to this. Men watch waaaay too much porn, and there is just too much bad porn out there to be seen. Men watch these scandalous women get poled in every hole and expect us to do the same. Oww, my girly parts hurt just thinking about that. Sex is supposed to be about, well reproduction obviously, but also about the simultaneous act of two people making each other feel good through passion and ecstasy. It’s not about dirty talk (I’ll cover that doozy later on) or degrading the woman with your “big, hard”… Well you know. Sex is about equally wanting to please one another. Stop watching so much porn and appreciate the women’s body and what it has to offer, dummy.

Since we are in the topic of porn, let’s discuss dirty talk. Sexy talk is nice, it’s playful, it teases and having a healthy sexual conversation will ensure that each partner is getting exactly what they like. It helps to create a rhythm and can lead to a mind blowing release.
You know what doesn’t do any of the above mentioned? … You, asking me how your big BLANK feels in my BLANK. If you need to ask, then you’re doing something wrong. If you need me to reassure you that I am enjoying myself, chances are I’m not. Oh and another thing, you telling me to “take your big, hard BLANK…” makes me feel like it’s all about you –And that’s just selfish.
You may however do the following, ask questions, tell me what you like, and give endless compliments. If I want to play treat me like a porn star, you’ll just know ”. You are also banned from using the following words, slut, dirty girl, see you Next Tuesday, and bitch. I don’t care how hot you are I will throw you out of bed. You sound like a desperate sex caller on a payline.

Selfish is a word that I would use to describe most men in the bedroom. If you think a quick two-pump is as good for me as it was for you, then you are ill-informed and have lost too much “blood to your brain?” body fluid. This is not an Olympic event; there is no need for you to pump away like a jackhammer. This is a two person job; if it wasn’t, we would all just service ourselves. It only takes us 2 minutes to get off… Women are human beings; not dolls to thoughtlessly stick your manhood into.
It’s all about give and take my friends, Give head to get head and realize if I’m happy… I’ll make you happy! And don’t you dare nudge my head down. This smells –no reeks of desperation, when men do this, it’s a very short step from being dragged to a back alley by the hair. If both of you enjoy oral sex, it will happen by itself. Here’s a quick tip; take care of the woman first. Your ‘go get-her’ attitude will turn her on beyond her wildest dreams– the benefits are huge well worth it, trust me!

Never, ever, everrrrrr skip foreplay. Foreplay is defined as ‘a set of intimate psychological and physical acts between two or more people meant to create and increase sexual arousal’ well that sounds pretty important doesn’t it!? The term foreplay covers a huge range of activities, from the less obvious like touching someone’s face or hugging, to the more obvious like heavy petting and oral sex. Women need to be turned on. We don’t think about sex every 3 seconds; therefore we may need help getting our juices flowing. I’m not quite sure what decade decided that foreplay was easily replaceable, or unnecessary all together but they were horribly misinformed. If you’re unfamiliar, get familiar and fast. 85% of you are missing this crucial step. In the end it’s all a win-win situation.

I’ve also discovered that somewhere along the line men have developed a poor bedside manner. I once encountered a man that didn’t even get up to say goodbye before I left the bed for work. Not only did he not get up, he didn’t even turn his head in my general direction to bid me adieu. This not only displays poor manners, but is also incredibly disrespectful. You shared a bed with the women, at least treat her like a human being. Men have this notion in their head that allllll women want to date you after they’ve been with your man-sword. Fact: just as you see her, she is most likely thinking of you as an evening of fun. We may not want to date you but follow socially accepted post-coital etiquette nonetheless.
Last but certainly not least, get an anatomy lesson! For the love of all things good, get familiar with the female body. A woman is made up of quite a bit more than two breasts and a vagina. If you’re too lazy to do the research, ask a women your comfortable with where her friend ‘the clitoris’ lives, and then listen to this advice. Be gentle, this is a sensitive spot, don’t just jam your fingers, or worse in that general area…this is what we call attacking the clitoris. It is uncomfortable and painful – two words you never want used in the description of your evening together. Google it, it’s free, and has pictures, with labels, and often suggestions… seriously.

So let’s stand up and rise above bad sexual experiences. We can make the world a happier “more satisfied and less sexualy frustrated” place, one educated trouser- snake at a time.

4 responses

  1. Oh my god you are quickly becoming my new favourite blogger! I cannot get enough of your posts!! And I love this one.. I’m sharing it with the WORLD!

    April 2, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    • I did it for all the ladies like you. thank you for your incredibly kind words.

      April 2, 2012 at 11:20 pm

  2. Abigail Christens

    You freaking rock! Thanks for your words lady you’re a wise one!

    April 3, 2012 at 12:05 am

  3. WORRRRD!! Couldn’t agree more!
    Time has to change and it starts with real talk. No bullshit!! 🙂

    April 3, 2012 at 6:03 pm

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