Inside The Mind Of A Vegan Alchemist. Carnivore Approved.

5 Things That Need To Go Back Into Style

1. Wearing a Band-Aid on your cheek like Nelly

I’m ashamed to live in a world where a band-aid is something we simply use to treat a wound. For a brief moment in the early ’00s, it became much more than that when the rapper Nelly started to adorn his cheek with one to commemorate a friend who had been incarcerated. On top of making him The Best Friend Ever, the band-aid also transformed him into some kind of bizarre fashion icon. Soon enough, suburban teen girls were wearing band-aids all over their faces in an attempt to gain some sort of #NotClearOn credibility. But as quickly as the band-aids came, they went. And in their wake lay a trail of tears and thwarted Johnson & Johnson sales. Now if people wear band-aids on their face, it’s because they cut themselves shaving or have been bitten by a rabid dog. I want that to change though. I want to go back to the joyous world of band-aid fashion. Take me there, I wanna go there. (I also would like to request to all of my friends that if I ever went to prison, they would let their faces become a giant band-aid. Agree? Love you so much, you guys…)

2. Body odor

From the looks of it, the sixties and seventies were pretty smelly decades. I can’t even look at photos of Woodstock without plugging my nose. But you know what? It must’ve been pretty awesome to get away with smelling like fried egg rolls and wet dog all the time. Exuding odors commonly found in garbage cans didn’t affect you negatively in any way. In fact, it probably boosted your popularity and got you laid a couple of times. Today we have to spend a lot of money on deodorant, laundry, perfumes and candles to ensure that we smell like a damn rainbow 24/7. I mean, can’t we all just agree to smell like crap? It would take so much of the pressure off if we all just agreed to let ourselves go at the same time. Ready, set, who’s with me?! Hello..? Honey? Not a good look for us? Okay…

3. Being a scene kid

I thought scene kids had become extinct until I went to a clothing store in the East Village and found one working behind the counter. I nearly gasped at the sight of It: snakebites, no ass in a pair of skinny jeans, a chest tattoo, questionable sexual orientation, flat ironed jet black hair and a permascowl. Yep, this person was the real scene deal. I honestly don’t know how she or he even managed to survive The Great Scene Wipeout of 2007, which happened around the time Myspace died. With the popular social networking site gone, the scene kids had lost their lifeline. They no longer had a safe space to post pictures of themselves wearing a bandanna around their neck with the caption: bESt FriEnDS MEaNs PuLlInG tHe TRIgGer <;3 <;3 <;3. Facebook wouldn’t tolerate that kind of online behavior. They were strictly hipster. Wait, does that mean hipsters are just scene kids who grew up? They stopped listening to Thursday and matured into Grizzly Bear? If that’s true, we have a lot of closet scenesters on our hands. We have a lot of people with a #dark Myspace past. Well, well, well, consider my antenna up.

4. Being fat

We all know that BACK IN THE DA-AY-AY it was socially acceptable, if not preferable, to have a little meat on your bones. If you were curvy, it meant that you had money to eat and, unlike most other things, being rich has never gone out of style. Today the opposite is true. Being rich is synonymous with being thin. Affluent people spend so much money on things that’ll prevent food from entering their bodies. That means buying $15 dollar juices in lieu of consuming solids and undergoing procedures like colonics to literally suck food out of your body. I know this is a common complaint but I really, really, really think I was born in the wrong era…

5. Wearing a bindi

I miss bindis. Do bindis miss me? Gwen Stefani made them popular in the ’90s and then they quickly disappeared, becoming yet another vestige of a decade past. Today if you wore a bindi, I’m pretty sure people would mistake it for melanoma. You would come up to people and they would just scream, “You need to go to a derm ASAP!” before running in the other direction. You guys, this really isn’t what Gwen would’ve wanted. Let’s all brave the judgement and start putting dots on our faces again. Maybe even next to a Nelly-style band-aid?! The wheels are always turning…

 

By RYAN O’CONNELL

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